Assertiveness: that magical power that keeps someone from being either a jerk or a doormat. Why is it so difficult to attain?
In actuality, assertiveness has nothing to do with magic, and everything to do with having a healthy respect for both yourself and others. Without respect for yourself, you become a doormat – someone who lets the world walk all over them. Without respect for others, you become a jerk – the person who does the walking. With a healthy balance of respect, you become assertive – a person admired for being willing to speak up on your own behalf and on behalf of others.
Although the following tips are geared to the passive person who wants to stand up for him or herself, someone who is aggressive and wants to learn to be more accommodating will also find value. The first three tips are important precursors to assertive behavior. The seven tips following them offer ways to behave assertively.
1. Change your perspective
Most of us wonder what other people think of us. We worry that if we aren’t “nice” someone won’t like us or we’ll upset someone. So, in the guise of “niceness,” we become doormats. And being a doormat isn’t very nice at all.
One way to change this is to stop worrying about what someone else thinks, and start paying attention to what we think. Do you even like this person for whom you’re being a doormat?
What will happen if you disagree with this person, or with his or her thoughts, ideas, opinions? Sure, he or she might get upset, especially if you have a history of giving in, but there will probably be some new respect, as well.
What will happen if you continue giving in without thought? That’s the sort of behavior that leads to the phrase “going postal.”
2. Focus on what you have going for you
It’s easy for us to undermine ourselves. We use negative self-talk to tell ourselves that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, strong enough. We look at everything that we believe is going against us: the boss hates me, no one wants to hear what I have to say, I never get to be part of the in-crowd.
This sort of behavior is self-fulfilling. If we focus on the negative aspects of ourselves and our circumstances, other people will focus on those aspects, as well. If we don’t believe our opinion is worthwhile, it isn’t.
We need to focus on the things that are favorable in our lives. If we focus on our talents and skills, other people will focus on those, as well. If we believe that our opinions are worthwhile, then we will be more likely to offer those opinions with authority and others will be more likely to listen to them.
3. Figure out your opinions and feelings
One of the amazing things about assertive people is that they always seem to know exactly what they want. They know what they believe. They know how they feel about things, and how they react to things. Believe it or not, these are traits that anyone can acquire.
For those of us who don’t have strong opinions about anything, there’s a good chance that we are just trying to “be nice.” We refuse to commit ourselves for fear that, if we do, our opinion will hurt someone whose opinion differs. The reality is that few people are so thin-skinned that they cannot accept disagreement.
We also need to recognize our feelings. This can be particularly difficult for those of us who are used to being doormats. Often, we’ve repressed our feelings so that we won’t react negatively to anyone else, lest we hurt their feelings. When our feelings are suppressed we may agree to act in ways that we only later realize make us uncomfortable. We may end up hating ourselves, but at least we were “nice.”
It’s also important to know what we want. Doormats are usually the people who get passed over for the promotion, and then stew about it. We are the ones who move to the uncomfortable seat because someone else wants ours. We are the ones who can’t hear the dialogue in the movie theater because the people in front of us won’t stop talking. We need to know what we want if we are going to do anything about these situations.
4. Use “I” language
When asserting your desires, beliefs, or feelings, use “I” language.
“I feel…”
“I believe…”
“I want…”
Do not use accusatory language.
“You make me feel (do, think, etc.)…”
You are responsible for your feelings and thoughts. Once you take responsibility for them, once you accept ownership of them, you can express them without damage.
5. Be honest
Admit to yourself that you are being assertive for your own benefit, not for the benefit of the person or people you are talking with. Don’t use judgments or emotion to sway someone to your point of view; that is manipulative. Instead, use facts. Stating how you feel is a fact. Weeping hysterically or waving your fist in anger is manipulative.
6. Clarity
Be absolutely clear about what you want. Be direct and specific. State what you want. If there is a problem, state what you think is the problem and what you think will be the best resolution. Do not give anyone the opportunity to misinterpret what you are saying. A good way to make sure that you are being understood is to ask for feedback. Make certain that the person with whom you’re speaking knows what you’re saying. Repeating yourself is perfectly acceptable, straying from your point is not.
It’s just as important to know the point of view of the other person. Listen to his or her responses. If necessary, ask for clarification. If you think you know what the other person means, make certain by restating the meaning. Offer to teach the person the same courtesy you want extended to you.
7. Active verbs
Use active verbs when expressing what you want. These make it more difficult for others to say no.
“Will you please…” instead of “Would you please…”
8. Body language
Appropriate body language is an important aspect of assertive behavior. Good posture and eye contact are a must. Slouching signals that you are unsure of yourself. Refusing to maintain enough eye contact suggests that you are untrustworthy. Staring into someone’s eyes and refusing to look away is just as bad. It makes people uncomfortable and is a sign of aggressive, not assertive, behavior.
9. Stay calm
It is difficult to maintain all the other aspects of assertive behavior if you are unable to stay calm. If you feel yourself losing control and do not think you’ll be able to regain it quickly, tell the person with whom you are talking that you want to take some time to consider what’s been said. Then suggest a specific time to resume the discussion.
10. Compromise
Almost all effective problem resolutions are a result of compromise. While it’s important to know what you want, it’s also important to know what you are willing to accept. Assertive behavior does not browbeat others; assertive behavior opens communication without letting anyone get trampled.
