Practical paganism: planning a handfasting

Handfasting is a term that comes from the ancient Pagan wedding custom of binding the couple’s hands together with a cord. This is a tradition upheld in many modern day Pagan wedding rituals. Unfortunately, planning a handfasting can be trickier than planning a church or secular wedding. Here are some things you might want to consider.

CLERGY

If you wish your marriage to be legally recognized by the state, you will need to find a licensed clergy to officiate. Chances are if you live in a moderate to large urban area, this won’t be difficult; however some people who live off the beaten trail, or in parts of the country where Pagans are still a very tiny minority, it can mean a bit of searching is in store for you.

If you are seeking an ordained Pagan Priest or Priestess through local groups, don’t be afraid to ask for recommendations, and request the person’s credentials. Any good Priest/ess will let you know up front if they can wed you legally or not, as they will not want to cause you problems.

If you are having trouble finding licensed Pagan clergy, you might try to contact an organization such as the Church of All Worlds (CAW) or Covenant of the Universalist Unitarian Pagans (CUUPS) through a local U.U. chapter. If there is an ordained Pagan minister in your area qualified to perform the ceremony, chances are these groups will be able to help you get in contact with the person.

Another option is to pick the Priest/ess you want to perform the spiritual ceremony, and, if the person cannot make the marriage legally binding, simply arrange a trip to city hall and have a justice of the peace marry you earlier in the day, or at another convenient time. That way you can have the wedding presided over by whomever you choose for your family and friends to attend, and still get legally married. Of course, if you are holding a spiritual ceremony and don’t intend (or are unable) to enter into a legal contract, you can choose anyone you wish to perform the ceremony.

LOCATION

When choosing a location for a ceremony, you basically have three options: hold the wedding at a private residence or property of your own or someone you know, hold the wedding at an outdoor public location, or rent a facility.

If you plan to marry in your own back yard, or on a friend’s private yacht, or in your great-grandmother’s house, you can be comforted by the knowledge that the place will be private and Pagan friendly. Not only can this option save you money, but you will not have to worry about strangers wandering by or anyone telling you that you don’t have a right to be there.

Choosing a public place, such as a beach or a park, can make for a lovely location. However, you have to remember that if your gathering is public, you may attract the attention of strangers or passers by. This may be of a concern to you if you don’t want curious onlookers pushing into your circle or rude, disrespectful people to disrupt your ceremony. This is especially true if the place is moderately to highly populated during most days. Make certain that you or others you trust are familiar with the area. If Pagan gatherings are commonly held there and go without incident, it may be all you need to feel secure in choosing a particular location. However, if you live in an area where there is less tolerance for open Pagan rituals, or where outdoor Pagan gatherings are basically non-existent, you should seriously consider the possibility of disruption before making a decision.

If renting a facility, such as a wedding hall or restaurant, you will want to make certain before signing any binding contracts that the owner/manager and staff are informed that you are going to be holding a Pagan wedding ceremony. Briefly describe the ceremony you plan to have, and especially explain if you are using a ritual knife or sword that it is for ceremonial purposes and not for cutting anything or anyone. Ask them outright (but politely) if they have any problems or concerns about the ritual. Let them know that you are looking for a place to celebrate a joyous occasion, and you expect full cooperation and respect from all employees involved. If the person outright says they would prefer you bring your business elsewhere, or if they seem uncomfortable or apprehensive, you will have a decision to make: do you want to take a chance and make a stand against discrimination at your wedding, or do you want the ceremony to be free from such negativity and held in the most comforting environment possible? If the latter is your answer, scratch the place off of your list and keep looking.

One last thing you will want to consider if you are planning an outdoor handfasting is what you will do in the case of inclement weather. One option is to choose a rain date, but this is not always feasible when you have ordered flowers and food that are not going to keep for a week, or if you have hired musicians or clergy who are going to be out of town the following weekend. Another option is to have an indoor, back-up location in waiting. That way if you wake up on your wedding day to unexpected thunder showers, you can move the party inside. Whichever you choose, make sure to note it on the invitations to inform guests of what to do if your wedding gets rained out.

PROTECTION

It is important to make sure that the law is on your side when you are holding a handfasting. You never know when an ignorant, prejudiced fool will attempt to begrudge you your happy day because they are hateful towards your beliefs. All it may take is one phone call to the police, who may break up the entire gathering because you are breaking some obscure local ordinance. For this reason, you want to make sure that, wherever you are holding your ceremony, you are operating within the limits of the law.

The first order of business is to get a permit, no matter where you are holding the gathering or how small it will be. Many public gatherings of less than 20 people, or parties in private homes do not require a permit– but you should get one anyway. It is a small investment that may save you a lot of trouble and confusion. Appoint a friend or family member to be in charge of dealing with anyone who shows up to question your rights to be gathering, and have them hold the permit to show authorities. That way, should a cranky neighbor call the police, the person appointed to deal with the matter can take the officers aside and discreetly settle the matter without disrupting the ritual.

Find out if your chosen location has any restrictions on noise. Some public places restrict amplified music for private gatherings, even if you have a permit to use the place. You can have your drummers and fiddlers, but they will have to play without speakers. You can play your CDs, but it will have to be on a regular stereo rather than professional DJ equipment. Some residential areas have a noise curfew, which means you’ll have to be prepared to wrap up the party, or keep it down after a certain hour of the night.

Another consideration is if you are planning to have a ritual fire, or any type of barbecue or cook-out. Many residential and public areas have fire code restrictions. For example, my handfasting was a catered barbecue at my cousin’s house. A local police officer passed by when he saw the giant commercial grill that had been hauled into the front yard to tell us that commercial propane barbecue grills were illegal in the city’s residential areas. We hadn’t thought of this at the time, and I could have kicked myself for not looking into it. Luckily, the caterer knew this, and was using charcoal, which was allowed. The party went on as planned, but I learned that you can never be too careful when planning a large gathering. Had our caterer not been more informed than we, it might have led to us substituting pizza for our steaks and resulted in a hefty fine.

NON-PAGAN GUESTS

If you are planning to have guests at your wedding who are not Pagan, it is to your advantage to take special steps to inform them and make them feel welcome. If your friend or family member is not aware that you or your future spouse is Pagan, it is generally not a good idea to let them find out by walking in as a High Priestess in a black robe with a pentacle around her neck brandishes a dagger above you. Give the person the courtesy of letting them know of your beliefs, and the type of ceremony you will be having.

If your non-Pagan guests are already aware of your beliefs, you should at least indicate on the invitation that it is a Pagan ceremony. If anyone feels uncomfortable with attending, allow them to gracefully bow out. Just as you are entitled to your beliefs, they are entitled to theirs. Try to at least be comforted that the person was up-front with you and cared enough not to risk making you feel concerned about their discomfort with your beliefs on your special day.

If you do expect some non-Pagan guests to attend, try to have a wedding program printed up that can be handed out to arriving guests. In it, you may want to list the sections of the ritual, give a brief description of what will be happening, and print the words to chants or songs that will be sung during the ceremony. This will help your guests who have never been to Pagan rituals to relax and know what is coming, and give them the opportunity to participate in any chanting, singing or dancing if they so choose.