Practical paganism: how to tell someone you are pagan

Every Pagan faces the situation at one time or another. You meet someone, be it a love interest or new friend, and you really hit it off. After a while, if they have not figured it out, you can’t help but wonder– when and how do you “drop the bomb” on the person? And what will be their reaction?

Contrary to stereotypical beliefs, few Pagans walk around clad in black leather, pierced in strange places and wearing pentacles the size of dinner plates. Many people could trip over a Pagan holding a Midsummer rite in a public park, and not have an inkling that they’ve just knocked over the ritual juice bottle. It is just as likely that you could be acquainted with a person for years, and they will not have a clue as to your religious beliefs. Chances are that, unless a)it has come up in conversation, b) you have a bumper sticker that says, “Pagan and Proud,” or c) they’ve seen a giant horned God statue on your front lawn, the thought that you are Pagan has probably never crossed your friend’s mind.

This can be a problem, because the truth is that, no matter how much acceptance for Paganism has grown over the last few decades, there is still a lot of misinformation floating around out there. It’s hard to know if a person has any pre-conceived notions or irrational fears associated with what they think a Pagan really is. It’s no secret that some people mistakenly believe that Pagans are devil-worshipers, or belong to some misguided and dangerous cult that they fear will try to suck them in. There are also those who find the notion that anyone still believes in ancient Gods and Goddesses or practices magic in this day and age highly laughable.

No matter what reaction you fear, if you want to befriend someone, sooner or later, they are going to find out. You don’t want to feel you are being dishonest with a person, or hiding who you really are, but you’re unsure of just how to introduce the subject.

For starters, try to let the subject come up naturally. Stopping mid-conversation with a line like, “there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I don’t know quite how to put it,” can raise alarms and suspicions. It makes it sound like you’ve been trying to hide your beliefs, or that your religion is something that makes you strange, possibly deviant. Instead, let it flow into the conversation and state it very matter-of-factly, as if it is the most natural thing in the world (and for you, indeed, it is). You may want to consider these examples:

FRIEND: We have a tradition in our family to go to midnight mass every year on Christmas Eve, then have a big breakfast afterward.

YOU: How nice. We’re Pagan and celebrate the Winter Solstice. We usually stay up all night to watch the sunrise.

FRIEND: There is this nosey woman at church who is always gossiping and getting into everyone’s business. She really makes me angry.

YOU: Oh, that’s too bad. I know how you feel; last year in my coven there was a woman like that. Luckily she stopped coming to our rituals.

FRIEND: Every night I pray to God for world peace.

YOU: Yes. In my religious tradition, we hold monthly candlelight vigils and meditate on world peace.

FRIEND: So are you doing anything for Passover?

YOU: Actually, I’m Pagan. We celebrate the Spring Equinox.

At that point, you may get some form of reaction. This may be a surprised laugh, a furrowed brow, widened eyes, a question for clarification, or, if your friend is more informed, a smile of acceptance. The important thing to remember is to try not to react to what your friend does, or act as if you owe an explanation. You meant just what you said: you happen to be Pagan. There is nothing wrong with that. Don’t act sheepish about it, which might be interpreted as shame or guilt. Let your friend ask the questions, and answer them as calmly. If your friend seems flustered or speechless, invite them to talk about it by saying something like, “Do you know anything about Paganism? I’d be happy to answer your questions.”

When answering questions, there are three things to remember. First and foremost, do not get defensive. You don’t have to defend your beliefs to anyone. Share your point of view using a simple, informational tone. Even if your friend asks a question that seems insensitive, or absurd, know that they are probably not trying to hurt you. Most likely they are just misinformed, and take the opportunity to correct them.

FRIEND: Aren’t you afraid you are going to go to hell?

YOU: Pagans don’t usually believe in hell, so, no, I’m not afraid.

FRIEND: Do you sacrifice animals in your rituals and drink their blood?

YOU: No, never. We don’t believe in harming living creatures or the Earth.

FRIEND: Do you really believe you have lived other lives? What do you think, you were Shakespeare or something?

YOU: Oh, don’t I wish! But yes, I do think we live many lives. Oh well, I guess someday we’ll find out who is right. For now we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

If you feel your friend’s questions or comments sound more like an accusation than a sincere curiosity, ask them what they believe a Pagan is. Knowing where they are coming from will help you know where you have to begin. Even if their answer is purely fictional, don’t put them down; they are just going on what has probably been drilled into them from childhood. Explain with confidence that you understand their concerns if that is what they have heard, but in your experience, Paganism and the Pagan community are not like that.

FRIEND: In my church the minister showed us movies about Pagans holding black mass, worshiping Satan, and eating babies!

YOU: I don’t know where he got that film. I can’t say there aren’t a few psychos out there in every walk of life, but honestly that would be considered an abomination in my religion.

FRIEND: If you accepted Jesus Christ as your savior, He could help you.

YOU: While I admire Christ and his life, I simply don’t believe that he is my personal savior. I have to exercise my own free will and follow my heart to where it leads me, just as you do.

The second thing you need to remember when answering your friend’s questions is to strive for brevity. You don’t want to sound like you are preaching, and lengthy speeches will likely overwhelm someone who knows nothing on the topic of Paganism. Short and sweet answers are best.

FRIEND: Don’t you believe in God?

YOU: I believe in the Great Spirit that created the universe in the form of Goddess and God.

FRIEND: What exactly do you do?

YOU: Mostly I just go about my normal life; I also go to prayer services during the full moon, and my holy days celebrate the cycles of the seasons.

FRIEND: What exactly is a Pagan?

YOU: Do you know anything about Native American spirituality? Paganism is the ancient European counterpart to that.

If your friend keeps pressing for more information, it’s best to tell them that it is not easy to put an entire theology in a nutshell. Offer to loan them a book about Paganism, or direct them to one of the many free Pagan websites online.

Finally, when answering your friend’s questions, do not put down their religion (or lack of one) or insult their personal beliefs. Until your friend has had time to let the revelation sink in and learn more about your beliefs, it is not a time to spark a theological debate. Don’t tell them that the Bible is wrong, that they are sheep, that their religion is oppressive and responsible for atrocities throughout history, or that their lack of beliefs indicates a narrow mind and empty soul. For one thing, they’ve probably given every bit as much thought to their beliefs as you have, and are also following their heart where it leads them. You have no more right to tell them that your beliefs are superior than they have to tell you. For another thing, this will only serve to make them feel defensive, which will make them less likely to accept what you are telling them. How do you expect them to respect what you believe if you have no respect for what they believe?

FRIEND: The Bible says that Paganism is wrong.

YOU (BAD ANSWER): Well, the Bible is a bunch of crud written to deceive the masses.

YOU (BETTER ANSWER): That may be; and while Pagans may find the Bible inspiring as any other religious writings, we simply don’t accept it literally.

FRIEND: Haven’t you ever heard that religion is the opiate of the masses?

YOU (BAD ANSWER): If you could open your mind just a teeny, tiny crack, you would find out that you don’t know what you are talking about. You are so unenlightened it saddens me.

YOU (BETTER ANSWER): Sure I’ve heard it. In my experience, however, my faith has been very empowering and rewarding. I choose to embrace it, regardless of what anyone else thinks of that.

Keep in mind that you are trying to befriend this person, not start a holy war. You want to show them that your different beliefs can peacefully co-exist in a friendship, and you can still have a mutual respect for each other. One great way to do this is to point out the similarities between your faiths, rather than emphasizing the difference.

FRIEND: So you don’t believe in Jesus Christ?

YOU: I don’t consider him my personal savior, but I have the utmost respect for his teachings and strongly believe in a lot of things that he stood for. I think it would be great if more people followed his example.

FRIEND: You actually think you can do magic spells and make things happen?

YOU: A large part of real magic is actually scientifically rooted, such as using meditation to program the mind, the power of positive thinking, color therapy, aroma therapy, and herbal remedies.

In the end, remember that a true friend and a good person will be willing to give you a chance, no matter how much your religious beliefs conflict with their own. If a person constantly preaches fire and brimstone at you, begins to avoid you, or begins to ridicule you for your beliefs, you may want to reconsider making this person a part of your life and go on your merry way.

Also remember that, when you speak about Paganism to someone, you are a representative of your community. The impression that you give people will be carried over to any other Pagans they meet, and how they talk about Pagans in the future. It does a serious disservice to your religious community if you come off as rude, argumentative, or disrespectful. Do your best to paint Paganism as the positive, life-affirming religion that it is by presenting the image of a confident, kind, respectful, open-minded individual. Explain your beliefs with dignity and pride. Set the kind of example that all Pagans can be proud to live up to, and one day there may be no longer be a reason to worry about telling our new friends that we are Pagan.