How to prepare your children for a pending divorce

Children are sensitive to nuances in the home. When parents don't get along, kids know it, and come up with their own interpretation of events when parents don't provide accurate facts.

If your spouse and you have come to the decision to divorce, it is wise to tell the children ahead of time. They will need to get adjusted to the shift in parenting roles and perhaps even a new residence. But if you're not sure how to tell them, or when, here are a few guidelines that may help:

1. Let the children know soon after a divorce decision is made, but not until all reconciliation efforts are exhausted. While most kids are adaptable to a surprising range of circumstances, they can be torn by a roller coaster of uncertainty as parents attempt first to salvage their marriage and then give up, perhaps over and over again in a vicious cycle. If problems are escalating, tell the kids that Mom and Dad are attempting to work through issues, and hope to come to an agreement soon. When divorce becomes the final destination, take the kids aside quietly and in a calm voice let them know what will happen.

2. Avoid revealing too many details about parental conflict and hurt. When a parent grows dependent on a child's nurturing support and comfort, the child assumes a parenting role, leading to an unhealthy relationship. Simply tell the children that Mom and Dad are unable to agree on a few important things, so the two of you will be living apart from now on.

3. Don't put the kids in the middle. Encourage them with the reminder that both parents love them and plan to remain active in the kids' lives. Rather than accuse or blame each other to the kids, either within or outside of the other parent's presence, say only what you must in negative terms, and let children draw their own conclusions, as indeed they will. Don't ask your children to take sides during an argument, speak rudely to or ignore the other parent, or refuse visitation. Kids need both parents, and putting your children's needs first is the mature response of parents who divorce.

4. Remind kids to be respectful to the non-custodial spouse. Courtesy, respect, and affection should be expected and maintained for both parents, and possibly later, the step-parents. Sometimes kids play one parent against the other to test boundaries or get their way. Even after divorce, your ex-spouse and you should find common ground for agreement in consistent discipline of the children at each parent's home and reinforcement of each other's limits and goals, except, of course, when these cross moral or legal lines.

5. Continue affirming your love for the children and underscore the idea that the other parent loves them, too. Don't let kids feel as though they were the reason for an unhappy marriage or a difficult divorce, or that one parent does not care about them. Remind the kids that although a few things in their lives will change, a majority will remain as before. Children thrive on continuity and healthy boundaries.

While divorce can shatter lives when mishandled by selfish people, a marital meltdown should be managed in ways that harm the kids as little as possible and preserve integrity for all. Keep your kids on the sidelines of your marital and post-marital conflicts to protect them from the fallout that will continue to occur. Clear, open communication can help children understand what is happening and come to acceptance as quickly as possible.