In times of marital strife, we often look to our original marriage vows for guidance. These vows help to define each spouse's roles and responsibilities, from providing care during times of sickness to remaining sexually faithful until death. As helpful as these vows can be, however, they can also create some confusion during troubled times. Precisely how intimate can a spouse be with someone else before it becomes a violation of marital vows? Is infidelity defined strictly as a physical extramarital relationship or can a spouse 'cheat' emotionally? Sometimes a marriage fails on a psychological level long before a spouse engages in a sexual affair or becomes abusive. One reason for this failure could be 'emotional infidelity'- defined loosely as an intimate but non-sexual relationship with someone outside of the marriage. This is not the same as a platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex- true emotional infidelity occurs whenever a spouse forms an intense romantic bond with someone other than his or her spouse. The end result is a definite loss of affection, which can be an actionable cause for divorce.
The gray area between a harmless platonic friendship and a destructive emotional infidelity makes proving this loss of affection difficult. Spouses may have pre-existing relationships with members of the opposite sex that are clearly platonic. Asking a spouse to end a nurturing friendship simply because of gender would not be received very well. These platonic friendships may even have an emotional dynamic lacking in the marital relationship. It's not unusual for a spouse to find it easier to share certain emotional issues with someone who's known him or her since childhood. Others may have specific interests or vocations that are understood better by those who share those interests. Married couples must occasionally make accommodations for outside friends of the opposite sex. The expectation is that these friendships will not override the intimacies shared by a committed couple.
But when an extramarital relationship begins to pull more and more attention away from the marriage, the chances of emotional infidelity increase exponentially. There's a palpable difference between expressing sympathy towards a coworker in distress and actively pursuing an emotional relationship with him or her. Sharing intimate sexual information or discussing romantic issues may be the first serious step towards emotional infidelity. Even if the relationship never becomes physical, the cumulative effect could be the same- emotions meant for a spouse are being shared elsewhere. Eventually the marriage suffers from all of this misplaced intimacy. Understandably, this could be seen as a matter of degrees- the husband may honestly believe his close friendship with a female co-worker is perfectly reasonable, while his spouse may feel abandoned emotionally.
Emotional infidelity can also occur in broad strokes. Failing to leave the office at the office can also create feelings of distance at home. Some spouses fall into the trap of spending most of their emotional energy at work, creating a character who is the life of the office. They'll share in the gossip, tell and re-tell all the jokes and spend lunchtime with other coworkers exclusively. By the time they leave the workplace, they have very little energy left for their spouses and families. Emotional infidelity does not necessarily have to reach the level of one-on-one intimacy to cause serious breeches in the marital bond. A physical affair may be temporary, and motivated couples can often weather the fallout through counseling. But emotional infidelity can be an ongoing issue- as long as the spouse devotes more energy to the job or to extramarital friendships, the feelings of emotional and romantic abandonment will continue to grow.
As with any other challenge to a happy marriage, emotional infidelity can be addressed through counseling. A trained marriage counselor can often determine if the underlying issue is indeed a case of emotional infidelity and work on a solution with each partner. It's not often easy to detect emotional infidelity on one's own, because quite often the cause is masked by the symptoms. A quick temper may be the result of emotional burn-out and not related to the triggering event. What might appear to be signs of a physical affair may actually be the first clues of emotional infidelity. Meeting an extramarital friend to share an emotional intimacy can require just as much planning and secrecy as a sexual affair. The strain of maintaining a dual lifestyle may result in the same feelings of shame and guilt, which can lead to alcohol abuse or inappropriate outbursts. Emotional infidelity may not receive as much attention as a sexual affair, but it can be even more detrimental to a marriage if not recognized and treated in its earliest stages.
