Relationships: how to deal with pushy in-laws

When you and your spouse begin your life together, there are so many things you have to work out. Of course, not the least of these is handling in-law issues and potential problems. Often, problems don’t materialize until a grandchild enters the picture. Of course, a new baby is a cause of celebration for everyone involved. Unfortunately, a new grandchild can also be the source of conflicts, resentments, and even estrangements.

How do you deal with pushy in-laws? If you are a new parent, you may be a little overwhelmed, insecure, and quite hesitant to handle any problems that may arise with your in-laws. The trouble with being non-assertive, however, is that often your in-laws end up viewing you as an inexperienced parent, who is in constant need of their help and advice. Their good intentions may transform into overbearing bossiness.

Problems may begin to surface even before the baby is born. If you are an expectant parent, you may find yourself defending future decisions concerning your child’s daycare, bedtime schedules, and whether to breast or bottle feed your baby. If you are already sensing disapproval, then imagine what problems you will face once the baby is actually here!

It only makes sense to start taking charge as early as possible. If your mother-in-law assumes she will be in the delivery room with you and you do not want this, ideally your husband should handle this ahead of time. However, if he doesn’t, the last thing you should have to deal with as you prepare to have your child is a pushy grandmother-to-be. One of the best answers to this potential problem is to involve the nurse. You or your husband should inform the nursing staff of your wishes concerning any visitors. Then, let her do her job. She can control who is and isn’t allowed into the labor and delivery room for you.

You should have a plan in place for when you and your baby are released from the hospital. Most new moms want to spend some time with their immediate family. If this is what you want, then be assertive enough to make it happen! Remember, if you begin letting your in-laws make your decisions, then they will continue to do so. You want to set the pattern and establish the standards from the beginning.

If your in-laws expect to be at your house on your first day home, you can politely tell them that you just want time with your family. You can then suggest other days for them to visit. If they act upset or hurt, you will just have to get tough. They will get over it! If your in-laws live out of town and expect to come and stay for a few days, you will need to make the decisions as to when and how long they should stay. If they continue to press you to let them have their way on this issue, again you will have to firmly tell them what is best for you. Hopefully, you can handle this politely and respectfully, but if you can’t, it is still better to establish who is in control right from the start.

Another problem that parents have with in-laws centers on the amount of time the grandparents have with their grandchildren. It is completely understandable that they want to see their grandchildren, but it should be your decision and not theirs! Often, grandparents are so thrilled when a new grandchild comes along that they want to take over, almost as if the child is theirs instead of the parents’ child. They should understand that they cannot come and go freely at your home unless this is what you wish, also. Inform them that you would love to see them, but they need to call ahead of time first. Do not give in or change your plans just because they act upset or hurt. You are setting a standard that, in time, should become a habit.

If your in-laws insist on doing things with your children that are against your wishes, you will need to have a serious talk with them. If they are ignoring basic safety issues, such as placing your child in a car seat or feeding your child certain foods which you do not want her to have, you may have to limit their contact with your child for a time. If you do this, however, be sure and let your in-laws know exactly why you are limiting their visits. Hopefully, their desire to see your child will temper their behavior.

As your child grows, you and your in-laws should, hopefully, come to terms with certain expectations, needs, and wants of all the relationships involved. Until then, try to remain loving and firm with your in-laws.