So you’ve been dating a while and you’re wondering if the relationship is going anywhere. Is this long-term, maybe even life-long? Everything seems to be going in the right direction. If your thoughts are running in this direction, you’re thinking commitment and it’s time to discuss it.
Women are usually more willing to discuss commitment than men, until both parties are a little older. Then, it evens out. Before the subject is broached, however, both parties need to think about what they are looking for in the relationship, and if they are thinking long-term.
Regardless of what the relationship “experts” say, it is often best to approach this kind of subject head-on. Hedging can often make both partners edgy and even more reluctant to face the issue. A good way to start the conversation is, “Where do you think we’re headed in this relationship?” or, “Have you been thinking about how long we’ve been dating? Where would you like to see us in the future?”
Some may see this approach as “springing” something on the other partner. If the parties have been dating two or three months, it may be. However, for couples who have been dating at least a year, it probably will not come as such a shock. It may even be that the other partner will be glad the subject has been broached.
Both partners also need to be open-minded about the other’s views on the subject. What kind of commitment are they looking for? Live-in? Long-term engagement? Marriage? It may even be that both partners decide that things are going well, or there are other issues, and they want to wait a while before deciding anything. This is fine, as long as some date is set in the future to talk about the issue again. “My job is chancy right now. Let’s see what happens six months from now.” This is a legitimate concern, and both partners should try to be mature about a delay in the decision. If they can’t be, it’s probably a good sign they don’t need to make a commitment for a while.
If one of the partners has an outright “no,” the other is entitled to ask if there is the possibility he or she will have a change of heart, and if the issue can be raised again in the future. Often, the answer will be in the affirmative. However, if the answer is negative, the party wanting the commitment needs to examine his or her heart and see if he or she is willing to continue in the relationship as it is. If so, then be prepared to not have that commitment. If not, the best and kindest thing for both partners is to break off the relationship. It does no one any good for either partner to pine over the other one, driving him or her crazy with hints of how much it would mean to marry, or have a long-term commitment.
However, if the other partner is amenable to a commitment, both parties should talk about what they want, honestly and openly. For instance, if marriage is the only outcome one partner is willing to have, then both partners need to talk about that. Hopefully, both will be happy with the mutual decision, but if there is a sharp difference of opinion, then the issue should be resolved before any commitment is made.
Commitment is the bedrock of long-term relationships and couples need to be open and honest with each other about their wishes and expectations in the relationship. If they are, they will find the road to love is a much smoother one.
