It isn't easy trying to keep negative emotions under control during an argument. The old fight-or-flight complex kicks in, pushing us to impose our will over the other person or to give up and leave the victory to our opponent. A disagreement can be healthy in clearing the air if you remember to stay calm.
1. Don't yell. If the other person has raised his or her voice, your natural response will be to raise yours in return. But don't do it. Instead, force yourself to continue speaking in a calm, well-modulated voice, even when someone is in your face making demands or getting critical. Calm is often contagious, so if you can maintain self-control, chances are your opponent will follow suit.
2. Watch your body language. Tensing muscles is normal when under duress. But become aware of when you start to clench your fists or fold your arms across your chest. Either posture puts you in the position of looking like you're ready to fight, whether verbally or physically. Instead, let your arms hang naturally at your sides. Keep a neutral expression on your face or offer a gentle, empathetic smile on occasion. Maintain casual eye contact to show that you are listening. Face the person directly without turning sideways or interrupting the conversation to speak to someone else, unless it is necessary.
3. Take a deep breath. Breathing deeply can relax tense muscles and reduce stress levels. In turn, your mind and both will both become more calm, allowing you to respond in controlled fashion to the person who is confronting you. Continue to take slow breaths, some deep, to help your body manage the waves of epinephrine that are coursing through your veins. Consciously relax the muscles in your shoulders, back, neck, and arms to appear and feel more at ease.
4. Look at it from the other person's view. While you may not agree with your opponent, you should make an effort to understand why he or she is upset. The problem may persist, but you will have a better idea of what's irritating the person and perhaps find ways to address those concerns. Empathizing with an antagonist takes some of the pressure off self-defense to encourage more of a win-win than a win-lose effort.
5. Focus on the positives. During a disagreement, it is easy to lose sight of all the good things that might have kept the relationship together this long. For example, if a supervisor is irritated with you, appreciate the fact you have a job and the opportunity to make things right. If a friend or loved one in a long-term relationship has picked a fight, be grateful that he or she is willing to honestly air some touchy feelings.
Conflict is not very pleasant, but it can provide opportunities for addressing problems and repairing damage before the situation grows worse and perhaps irreparably broken. The next time you are approached by someone with a bone to pick, invite him for a cup of coffee or offer her an accommodating smile. Perhaps your frank kindness will help to defuse the tension and lead to a speedier resolution.
