How to talk to teenagers about divorce

Divorce is a difficult situation, especially when children are involved. How parents discuss divorce with their children has a lasting impact on the children’s lives. Teenagers especially need to be treated carefully throughout a divorce. Because they are discovering their self esteem and beginning to explore relationships, they are sensitive to the issues of divorce. If parents do not discuss the divorce thoroughly with their teens, they may grow up with distorted and unhealthy views of themselves, their parents, and marriage in general.

Discussing Divorce With Teens: Breaking the News

Teenagers may appear to be enveloped in their own world and problems, but they are not oblivious to the arguments and tensions that precede a divorce. Because of this, teens should be informed about an impending divorce as soon as the parents have agreed on basic arrangements. If parents do not discuss the divorce until every detail has been attended to, a teenager may view that as a lack of trust. Their trust could erode further if they accidentally discover the divorce through overheard conversations, voice mail messages from lawyers, or misplaced legal paperwork.

Parents should break the news in private, familiar surroundings such as a bedroom or family room at home. A comfortable setting encourages the teen to respond and ask questions without feeling self-conscious. To avoid portraying one parent as the cause of the divorce, parents should break the news together, which also demonstrates that they both care about the teenager and will continue to offer their love and support. Teens need to adjust to the news in their own way – they may ask questions right away, they may be angry, or they may shrug it off. Be prepared to answer practical questions such as which parent is moving out, where the teen will probably live, and whether or not they will be changing schools. If the details are not yet arranged, it is important to be honest about how the details will be worked out.

Discussing Divorce With Teens: Topics To Discuss

The most important topic parents need to discuss with teenagers about an impending divorce is the fact that the divorce is not the teen’s fault in any way. It is not uncommon for a teenager to feel as if they’ve caused the rift in the relationship, and that feeling of responsibility can harm their self-esteem and hinder their emotional growth. Honesty is the best way to reassure a teenager: explain the circumstances of the divorce, whether the problems have been caused by adultery, abuse, finances, or other factors. If they know the truth, they will be less likely to fabricate their own reasons and blame for the situation.

When discussing a divorce with teenagers, include the positives aspects of marriage and of each spouse. Parents divorce because people change, not because they feel all marriages are worthless. By discussing positive points of marriage and relationships, parents reassure their children that having intimate, loving relationships is possible and can be a wonderful experience. Reminding teens that each parent is a good person with admirable qualities helps foster healthy relationships after the divorce instead of portraying one parent as the cause of the problems.

Parents must be open to questions about the divorce. While some questions may be painful to discuss, openness and honesty helps the teenager adjust to new circumstances and understand why the divorce is happening instead of fabricating their own explanation. Family dinners, board games, and evening walks are all opportunities for a teenager to bring up issues without feeling pressured. Parents can always ask questions about what the teenager needs, but take care not to pressure them into responding simply to end an awkward discussion.

After the news is broken, parents should inform other adults in the child’s life about the divorce. Teachers, coaches, mentors, and church leaders can help monitor the teen’s behavior for drastic personality changes that may be warning signs of emotional trouble related to the divorce. These adults can also be available for guidance if the teen approaches them with questions that may be too difficult to discuss with parents right away.

Discussing Divorce With Teens: What To Avoid

While teenagers need open and honest communication with divorcing parents, certain discussions should be avoided. Neither parent should speak negatively about the other parent, despite their personal feelings concerning the divorce. Doing so may force the teen to choose sides, further rupturing the family. Overhearing such a conversation could also weaken the teenager’s trust, and hearing such animosity can jade their feelings about marriage and relationships in general.

Parents should not become overly dramatic or emotional while discussing their divorce with a teenager. While it is a difficult time, they are still adults and should be modeling responsible, thoughtful behavior to their child. Both yelling and crying could force the teen to take a protective position for one of their parents, a situation that makes them feel even more responsibility toward the situation.

It is natural for parents to want to shelter their children from anger and hurt, and many parents do so by buying elaborate gifts or making extravagant promises. In the long run, however, this hurts the teenager by setting a standard that cannot be maintained or by establishing one parent as more fun or better than the other. This leads to animosity that may result in one parent becoming divorced from the child as well as the former spouse.

Teenagers are not surrogate spouses or confidantes, and parents should not discuss divorce with them as if they were equals. Treating a teenager as an adult is an important step in their development, but parents must remember that they are not yet adults and they need their parents’ stability to help them adjust to sudden changes in the family. Parents should be comforting their teens, not expecting them to provide a shoulder to cry on.

One of the most tragic things that divorcing parents can do when discussing the divorce with their teenagers is to turn the children into spies or go-betweens. For a teenager to feel comfortable with both parents, they must feel safe and secure with both of them, without needing to report messages, conversations, or complaints from one parent to another. If parents put their children into such an unsavory position, the most likely result is that the teen will withdraw from both parents, perhaps irreversibly.

Teenagers are deeply affected by divorce. How parents choose to talk to their teens about divorce, however, greatly influences how their children adapt to a new life and new definition of family. By fostering open, positive communication with teenagers, parents reinforce their love and support, and help their children grow into caring members of an even larger family.