What to do if you're being abused

After learning through your personal observations or with the help of a counselor that you are in an abusive relationship, you may feel confused, bewildered, and frightened. What should you do? Taking the wrong step could escalate tensions or may destroy the relationship permanently.

With the help of a professional therapist, pastor, confidante, or attorney, explore options like the following to protect yourself and the security of children who may be involved. Obviously the level of your response will depend on the degree of seriousness with which the abuse is inflicting emotional or physical injury:

1. Set firm boundaries. Inform your abuser that you will no longer accept unfair or inappropriate treatment. For example, if you experience verbal abuse, say "Stop!" loudly the next time it begins. Then calmly say, "I will not listen to profanity like that. If you don't stop, I will leave." Then do it, whether that means leaving the room for an hour or leaving your home for a few days. Some abusers are so surprised by this new display of self-respect on the part of the victim that they begin to reign in their uncontrolled rages, and some relationships actually improve over time. Others, however, may not change at all. In fact, a certain type of abuser will rise to the challenge imposed by your boundaries and may become even more controlling and abusive.

2. Confide in a trusted friend or family member. Talking to someone who can be an objective listener is critical because you need to separate emotion from reason in sorting the issues involved in a domestic conflict. Don't tell someone who is apt to take sides. Rather, share your concerns with a person who knows both you and the abuser, but who can maintain an impartial perspective.

3. Meet with a pastor or counselor. Getting professional help is likewise important. People who counsel others have experience and knowledge that may be able to help you. Talk over your situation with someone that may be able to advise you with solid principles or practical information. You may need to go several times to address an assortment of issues stemming from the relationship. Invite your partner to go, but don't be upset if you end up going alone.

4. Talk to an attorney. Although you may not have to, or wish to, take this step, at some point you may want to learn more about possible legal options. Restraining orders, separation agreements, and perhaps eventual divorce proceedings should be understood before you have to undertake them. You also need to know how much these will cost and how your partner may legally respond to you.

5. Find out about support programs. Check the yellow pages or get a referral from your counselor for a battered persons' shelter, housing options, child care, job opportunities, and other helpful services that you may need if you break off a relationship with the abuser. Support groups for abuse victims may be helpful as well. Resources like books and magazine articles or Web sites can provide essential information.

Never feel as though you are a helpless victim with no recourse or hope. There are many people and resources that can empower you with support, advice, and information to help you break the cycle of abuse.