There are three distinct stages of grief process including shock, denial, anger, depression and acceptance.
Ever since Elizabeth Kubler-Ross defined grief has having several, often overlapping stages, psychologists and social service workers have depended on the "process" notion to guide grievers. In general, if you have suffered an extreme loss, such as the death of a loved one, the news that your own demise is immanent, or other horrific happenings, chances are you, too, will pass through the stages roughly identified as the following:
Stage One""shock, denial, numbness
Stage Two""fear, anger, depression
Stage Three""understanding, acceptance, moving on
Before describing what to expect in the various stages, and how to move more easily through them, it is wise to note that the stages often overlap, and many times we need to recycle through a stage we thought was over. There are few rules, and the few that are, are there to be broken.
When my son died and I was deep in depression, often peppered with unexpected bouts of anger at his sudden loss, at the doctors who failed to treat him, at anyone who did not save him. But I began moving past that when I actively got involved in planting a spring garden, using my energy to bring life to something. I felt hopeful at some moments, often distracted from my obsession with my grief, and could even say at times that I was resigned, I had accepted I would never see my child again or hear his voice.
When those spring flowers began to bloom a couple of months later, however, I was devastated. Tears flowed at any and every reminded of my loss. I was confused and angry all over again. How could something beautiful, like flowers, toss me back into the whirlwind of emotions I thought I'd come through?
Once I understood that our passage often has to be repeated, and that recycling through the stages can go on for a while and still be healthy, as long as more and more we are passing into the next stage, I could relax, stop fighting the moments of nostalgia and sorrow, and trust that my family and I would make it through. Trust in the process seems to be the key""it will effectively fuel your journey of recovery, and leave you stronger. Going back to the pain is never easy, but each time we do, we are stronger and more able to bear it.
In the early stages, numbness provides a panacea when our feelings just plain hurt too much. Most of the time, those who grieve are in shock for a long time. Their knees buckle every time they think of the bad news, and they don't know how to function normally. Like me, they find themselves going to the answering machine on entering the house, to see if the loved one has called! This is a symptom of denial working to protect us and ease our pain. Gradually, we must accept the ministrations of others to help us get through this helpless stage.
Grief groups, a close friend, a clergy person or doctor may be the one with whom you can relief your sense of shock and began to move to the next stage. Here, with the fear, anger and depression, we have made strides in our recovery, though it may not always feel so. When our lives are in turmoil, we fear the unknown of everyday; perhaps another loved one will be taken, perhaps our own end is near. Expressing these fears, first of all to ourselves, and then to another is the first step beyond them. This is a wise time to use our religious and spiritual support systems, and look to our values to sooth our way. There we may be able to make some sense of what has happened, and when we do, chances are our regination will rebound as anger.
Anger is a just human feeling, one everyone, including religious icons, have felt. It is fury at the injustice of life, and we are right to feel angry. However, moving beyond the anger is important lest we alienate those around us. Depression is anger turned inward at ourselves, and when we are depressed we become immobile, withdrawn and more and more self-centered. The key to moving out of depression is to get moving, to walk or take rides, to putter in the garden, or even better, to do something for a friend.
A while after our son died, amazed at how many beautiful plants and flowers had come our way, we felt an impulse to send small plants to his closest family and friends in gratitude for their reaching out to us. They would understand where the gesture came from, because our son loved growing things, and was an inveterate gardener. This little act helped pull us at least for the time being, out of depression and into the final stages of our recovery.
Moments of understanding, even days of a beginning acceptance, will probably begin to occur more and more as the months and seasons pass after we experience a severe loss. A little sadness, a little preoccupation with our gloomy feelings and resistance to getting out socially is expected. But the more we move, and take on our former chores, see our friends, visit others in need, bake cookies for a child, the more we return to the context of everyday living.
Will life ever be normal again? Probably not. Normal is only something we get used to after a long period of time. But we will change, grow, and move on through the healing process eventually. Doubters should offer themselves a challenge: On the first of every month (or the thirtieth, or whenever you decide, give yourself a recovery check-up. Write down how you feel, however miserable it is, just jot it in a small notebook or journal. (Journaling every day will be another feature here.) Eventually you will be able to track your recovery through the many stages of grief.
If you find you've made little progress, by all means, get help. See a professional, or find a group to join where the sharing of feelings makes them so much lighter to bear.
And do not lose sight of the fact that what you are going through is natural, a part of life we can't avoid. Every stage of recovery is a necessary part of the healing process, just as forming a scab, losing it and forming a smaller one is part of the healing of a physical wound. Let the process happen, help it along, and trust""in yourself, your loved ones, your spiritual guides.
You will come through.
