Provides parenting and discipline tips, guidelines and advice to new stepparents and their families.
You've met the perfect woman""smart, gorgeous, loving""your perfect complement. You discover she comes with two small children and an ex-husband who is active in the lives of their children. Even so, you see the children as a wonderful bonus to the relationship and ask her to marry you. Six months later, after endless planning, headaches, and decisions, you exchange vows in front of your family and friends.
Now the hard part begins: merging into a ready-made family where rules have already been put into place. You want to do your part to help raise children, but you aren't quite sure where to start, and you really need to know before problems arise. Part of dealing with those problems may include correcting the actions of the children.
There are two general camps regarding stepparents disciplining children. One states the discipline should be left to the birth parents. That anything you do may be considered interference by the absent parent. In theory, this may seem like the safest route to take. After all, the children do have two parents already. You may love them, but you don't want to step on any toes. However, put in practice, this method isn't always practical.
Let's say your new wife is sent on a business trip for three days. The children's dad is also unavailable, so you find yourself as the adult in charge. Little John comes home with a note from school stating he started a fight at school. What do you do? Fall back on the old standard threat: "Just wait until your mother gets home."
That question should have been asked long before the trip. In fact, most situations call for consequences to be applied in direct response to the forbidden actions of the child in order to be an effect determent. You, the stepparent, need to be prepared to discipline the child, but almost as importantly, your means of discipline needs to fit in with what the child is accustom. A confused child is less apt to understand your actions and feel you don't like them than they are to accept you as a parental figure.
There are six basics steps to take in order to make a smooth transition into the role of stepparent:
1. Learn the Rules - Know what is expected of the children. Know what consequences are already customary for each transgression.
2. Make the Rules - Where necessary, as a family, sit down and make additional rules. Do not try to bully your way of thinking on everyone else. As you are coming into the family with a previous life, set of habits, and likes and dislikes, so do they. To transition into a new family unit, it is important to take into consideration what their lives were like before you entered the picture.
3. Obey the Rules - It is not just the children who need to obey the rules. The parents need to maintain consistency when enforcing the rules. If the children learn one parent will enforce a rule while another one won't, they will use this knowledge to put a wedge between the parents. With older children, it is likely they used this tactic during the separation and divorce of their parents to get what they wanted. Don't let them pull you into the game.
4. Present a United Front - Raising children is not the same as going to war, but sometimes it will feel that way. Make it a habit to support the decisions of each other. Think about how the children's natural parents would react when doling out punishment and don't do anything they wouldn't. Make it easy for your spouse to support your actions. When a situation arises that isn't covered by previously established rules, when possible, confer with your spouse first.
5. Communication is Key - Do not assume the child knows what he did wrong. The younger the child, the more strongly this comes into play. Reinforce the rules by talking to the child about his actions before dishing out consequences. It doesn't do any good to send him to his room if he doesn't know why he is there.
6. Never Act in Anger - This is especially true if your household has opted to use corporal punishment. Spanking in anger is more apt to teach the child to strike out when angry than to enforce the lesson you intend to teach. Showing the children your response to their action comes from a desire to keep them safe, to raise them into responsible adults. You are more apt to get the results you desire. If you can't act without anger, consider sending the child to his room until you can calm down, with the understanding that you will deal with the problem later.
If you find your best efforts aren't working, seek outside help. Consult with the school counselor, your pediatrician, or friends and family for answers. Many urban areas offer free parenting classes through the local community center or school district. Take advantage of these outside resources to strength your skills as a parent.
When all else fails, don't give up on the children or yourself. There are no pat answers to parenting. What works for one child will not necessarily work for the next. All you can do is give it your best effort and try to control the frustration that sometimes comes with raising little human beings into big ones.
