Tips and techniques for parents who need to find effective ways of controlling their anger.
Anger steps in and gets the better of us all once in awhile. We all know what it feels like and what's most likely to set us off. It's important to remember that anger is a normal and (believe it or not) healthy, human emotion. It becomes a problem, however, when it gets out of control or is used inappropriately. Uncontrollable parental displays of rage rarely do much to improve a child's behavior, and can sometimes be damaging to the child-parent relationship. Parents need to find effective ways to deal with their anger.
People use a variety of methods to deal with their feelings of anger. The three main ways are called suppressing, expressing, and calming. Suppressing anger is probably the least effective way of dealing with this volatile emotion. It means holding your anger in. The danger is that, since there is no outward expression of your feelings, your anger gets internalized and can cause physical problems such as high blood pressure, hypertension, and depression. Also, when anger is suppressed, it can build up until you can't contain it any longer, so that when it finally is expressed it becomes much more aggressive and uncontrolled than it would normally be. Another method of dealing with anger is called "˜calming'. This means taking a moment to allow your physical reaction to the anger to subside, concentrating on slowing your breathing, lowering your heartrate, and letting the emotion subside. The other way that people deal with anger is called "˜expressing'. This means making clear what your needs are and how they can be met without hurting others. A combination of expressing and calming is the best way to deal with anger.
You've had a rough day, and the kids are rough-housing while you are trying to fix something for dinner. You can feel your patience level dropping, and the urge to yell at them to settle down. What should you do? Here are a few simple tools to try.
First, try a few relaxation techniques. Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm, in through your nose and out through your mouth two or three times. Slowly repeat a word or phrase such as "take it easy", or "just relax". Try repeating your word or phrase while breathing deeply. Close your eyes for a moment and visualize a quiet, relaxing place. Be aware of your breathing and the beating of your heart. Imagine your heartbeat slowing and your muscles relaxing.
Next, try changing the way your think when you are angry. If you tend to curse or swear when you are angry, try replacing those thoughts or words with more rational statements. Instead of thinking things like, "this is unbearable" or "everything's ruined", try saying to yourself, "this is frustrating, but it's not the end of the world." Try to avoid words like "never" or "always". Instead, state clearly what the problem is either to yourself or the other people involved. Try not to exaggerate the situation, but step back and look at things as objectively as possible.
If at all possible, try to find something funny about whatever is upsetting you. This can help balance out the negative feelings and give you some perspective. Looking at the sillier side of the situation helps deflect some of your fury and can release some of the tension that may have been building up. This is also a good way to begin a discussion with children about how you are feeling. Catch their attention with a funny story, then tell them what was making you angry, and ask them the question, "what can we do about this?"
Try talking as calmly as possible to your children/spouse about how you are feeling, and then solicit their help. Most children are very attuned to their parents' feelings. They may surprise you with just how considerate they can be once they understand what you need to feel better. Let them make suggestions about how to change a situation or how they can help.
Finally, if all else fails, try changing your surroundings. If you have a relative or a trusted friend who can watch the children for a few moments, give them a call. If not, try taking the kids for a walk. A change of scenery is often all that's needed to calm you down and give you some perspective. The exercise will also help relieve stress and tension.
