A time out is a popular discipline technique for parents. Find out why parents sometimes need to give themselves a time out too.
In the 1960s, the time out as a discipline method for children became popular as an alternative to spanking. The idea was to have kids spend some time alone to cool down and collect themselves, and then return to solve whatever problem they were having. The idea is great, but in practice, a time out usually was given to a child when the parents had reached their breaking point and needed to get away from the child. In essence, the time out was really for the parents, not the kids. But this isn't the way the time out should work, either for kids or parents. To honor our children and raise them to learn to get in touch with themselves and their feelings, we need to go back to the real meaning of time out, and this is perhaps more important for parents than children.
When you get on an airplane, one of the first things you hear from the flight attendant is this: " For those of you traveling with small children, be sure to put on your oxygen mask first before assisting your child." The idea behind this is that you cannot help anyone else until you take care of yourself. This is just as true for parenting as it is in emergency situations. You have to meet your own needs first. It may sound selfish, but it really isn't. You don't expect your car to drive thousands of miles without making sure it has enough gas or oil; why should you expect anything less from yourself?
When you feel like you are losing control of the situation""any situation, whether it's with your kids or not""you have to realize that you didn't actually have control to begin with. You really cannot control a situation, or any other person's response to you. All you have control over is what you do with your own feelings. But in order to do that, you have to be able to get in touch with those feelings. If you don't get in touch with your feelings, you can't get in touch with your experience.
When you feel that the situation is out of control, especially a situation with your kids, what is really happening is that your needs aren't being met. So what you have to do is stop whatever it is you are doing and get in touch with how you feel. Let's say the kids are fighting you feel like you are going to blow up at any minute. Stop for a second and disassociate yourself from what is going on around you. Forget the kids for just a minute and focus on what you need. Ask yourself how you are feeling. If you focus on what is going on inside you, you will get the answer. Next ask yourself what you need. Keep breathing deeply and listen for your body's answer. Maybe you have nothing left to give the kids, or maybe you are tired or hungry. Whatever it is that you need, you have a responsibility to give it to yourself, and then deal with the kids' needs. Be honest with your kids. Tel them you need a little quiet time or a snack and then you can all deal with the problem at hand. Don't worry, the fight will still be there when you are ready to deal with it. Then do whatever it is you need to do. Separate the kids to their rooms or put in a movie and take care of yourself. Then get back to the matter at hand.
If you want your children to learn how to deal with problems, you have to teach them to deal with themselves and take care of their needs. But they won't learn that unless you model that behavior for them. So be yourself, be yourself with your kids, and allow your kids to be themselves.
