Positive Parenting After Divorce

First, expect your children to have some adverse reaction to the divorce. This doesn't imply blame on you or on your spouse, but it is normal for children to grieve. This is shown in different ways among different age groups. Typical symptoms among younger children include reversion to an earlier stage of development, such as thumb sucking or bed wetting. They may also refuse to speak, throw more tantrums than usual and sleep irregularly. Older children may experience sudden weight loss or weight gain, lack of concentration, and withdrawal from friends and favorite activities. These are normal occurrences in the grieving process and are usually temporary, although if you are concerned about prolonged symptoms, contact your pediatrician. View these symptoms as an expression of your child's sadness and encourage open communication of his or her feelings. Make it absolutely clear to your child that you are available to him or her at this time and that he or she is in no way to blame (it is surprising to many parents that children harbor feelings of guilt about their parents' divorce). At the same time, don't feel guilty about your divorce; if you split up with your spouse, there were obviously good reasons for this decision. Many parents who feel guilty about their decision to divorce become more lenient with their children and afraid of setting boundaries. Your children need a sense of normalcy at this time and boundaries and positive discipline are a component of parental love.

How much should you tell your children about the divorce? Your child needs to know what is going on. Being left in the dark will only compound his or her feeling that life as they know it is reverting to chaos. Tell your child that Mommy and Daddy have decided that they cannot live together anymore. Reassure your child that Mommy and Daddy love him or her very much and the decision is based solely on the state of the marriage, not on the family. Also let the children know that they will see the other parent and extended family at certain times as stipulated by the divorce agreement.However, even if your child presses you with questions, keep personal details private. When it comes to parenting after divorce, compartmentalization is the key. The actual causes of the divorce need to be discussed with close friends or therapists, not with children. It is a common mistake to allow the relationship with the child to evolve into bringing the child to one parent's "side" by putting down the other parent. This is always damaging to the child and it usually backfires later on against the parent who employed this tactic. By setting positive boundaries on what you reveal to whom, you can prevent yourself from making this mistake unintentionally.

Whether you have made peace with your spouse or still have acrimonious exchanges, it is important that children see a cool, calm exterior. This will reassure them that there is still some vestige of a family after the trauma of divorce. It is important to have a businesslike attitude toward visits with the other parent. If you can't stand your spouse, imagine that she or he is like a troublesome co-worker who still needs to be communicated with to get the job done. Be on time when you drop kids off or pick kids up from visits. Lateness can be misinterpreted, so this is the one time to set out early to avoid traffic. Make sure that all the details of the visit are ironed out beforehand by phone or e-mail. Have regular meetings with your ex-spouse in a coffee shop or another public place to prevent arguing in private. In these meetings, discuss parenting strategies, what behaviors are allowed or not allowed, how you agree to positively reinforce or discipline your children. A favorite game of clever children is to play one parent against the other. This happens in two-parent homes, and even more often in single-parent homes. By making parental boundaries clear with your spouse, you can prevent this from happening.

If you are the parent hosting the child on a visit, take the child to your new home so she or he can adjust to the changes rather than taking them to fun yet distracting places like the zoo or a pizza place. Children crave communication much more than diversions and you may be subconsciously competing with the home parent in your desire to provide a lot of "treats". Avoid having new people around during visits, at least for the first year or so, and involve your child as much as possible in your new life and focus on this rather than on details of what is going on in the other home. Children should be discouraged from dropping a lot of information about the other parent; the child is usually trying to ingratiate himself or herself with one parent by "spying" on the other. As tempting as it is to listen to such gossip, for the sake of your relationship with your child andpeace with your ex-spouse, tell the child that you don't want to hear such details and that you would prefer to hear instead about what is going on in his or her life. If your child returns from a visit with troubling stories, don't panic; a child may be trying to win your love by putting down the other spouse. However, don't let such stories go if they involve serious allegations. Bring up anything that bothers you with your spouse and the divorce mediator. Again, keep your relationship with your child focused on your home and, as much as possible, disregard what is happening in the other home.

It is normal for a child to have a judgmental attitude towards one or both parents for a time. If this grudge is directed against the other parent, resist the temptation to feed it. Encourage the child to communicate his or her resentments with the other parent or with a counselor. If your child is resentful towards you, as difficult as this is to bear, tell yourself that it will pass, especially if you keep the lines of communication open and remain loving and supporting. Again, don't be overwhelmed with guilt feelings. Remember that you too are undergoing a trauma and are surviving it. Take care of your health by getting proper sleep, eating a good diet and exercising regularly. Reduce stress with meditation, relaxation or by just doing something fun. Enlist the support of single parents who have gone through the same thing and have succeeded. If you take care of yourself, you can parent more effectively, and know that even though you are a single parent, you are not alone.