The truths about pregnancy and child birth.
When you get pregnant, you are instantly bombarded from all sides with information on what you should be eating, and how much you should be exercising as well as all sorts of other information. The mantra at this time is "knowledge is power", and everyone wants you to make the right choice based on information you have gathered. But there are some things the SSOM (secret society of mothers ;) ), just don't tell you about. Or, if they do, they glance over it like a stone skipping off water and breezily carry on as if your questioning glance and interruptions mean nothing. Well, look no further, for answers they are here!
Morning sickness is a myth invented by a man that has never, being a man, been pregnant! Remember when we were at school in the last few grades and someone threw up before class, the knowing looks and comments all suggested that she was pregnant. However the girl who spent every afternoon in the bathroom doing the same was never suspected as having questionable virtue. Well, we were wrong. Morning sickness can and does strike at any time of day or night. In fact I spent every afternoon at 1pm in the bathroom, throwing up my breakfast. Of course I also spent every night at 9pm and 2am there as well as 8am in the morning so when my morning sickness ended at four months I could tell you exactly how many tiles I had on my bathroom floor. The only thing I could keep down was chocolate and a cheesy chip called Nik-Naks (which I hated then and hate more now). Don't believe the experts, chocolate can cure all major evils!
No one mentioned the enema. When the nurse said she wanted to do one I assumed she was setting up a night raiding party to spy on enemy hospitals. Apparently they are not mandatory if you are about to give birth, but most hospitals prefer you to have one done, so that the chances of your bowels emptying while in the delivery room are reduced dramatically. Tip, ladies: look it up the dictionary. I was mortified when the nurse approached me with her rubber gloves and a tube, and announced that I was to turn over. In fact I tried to check out of the hospital but they wouldn't let me leave in my gown.
Once you have been through the enema you will be placed in a room (if they are trying to induce you, or wait for your contractions to speed up). Generally you will be in little clothing, and if you have already had an epidural your knees will be propped up on pillows, but wide apart. This is a high traffic area. Never for one moment think you will be alone here. Nurses will drop in, as will doctors, though admittedly not necessarily your own, as will friends (in my case my partner's grandmother, hardly a position guaranteed to earn you respect). At one point the well meaning cleaner came in, grinned at me, and proceeded to clean the floor under my bed. I was mortified! When they finally wheel you into the delivery room, expect to be scared. I suddenly thought to myself that this was all a huge mistake and as I couldn't even pay my phone bill on time, what was I doing having a kid. No one had much sympathy at this point however.
If you have a have had a Caesarian then bear this in mind. You will be as hungry as anything when you come round. They won't allow you to eat for up to 48 hours after the birth. I think it is because they want you to lose your tummy faster, but they say it's a medical reason. On the subject of tummies"¦ you will be horrified when you see yours after giving birth. What was once toned to perfection is now a flabby mess somewhere around your knees. Don't panic! The tone will return over time, but it took you nine months to get this way, give yourself a little time to lose the excess, oh yes and a hundred sit ups a day won't kill you either.
For me the worst part was going home after the birth. To suddenly be responsible for this little human life is a frightening concept to come to grips with. However it was easier than I thought it would be and with a little support and a lot of information you will find motherhood to be easy to adjust to as well. Just don't always count on the "˜experts' there is a lot they never tell you!
