Should one make eye contact with whomever they are speaking to at all times? Eye contact is part of the feedback you give the sender that says "Yes I am listening, I am interested, I am paying attention".
"Looking into the other person's eyes shows your interest in the conversation," writes Peggy Post, the great-granddaughter-in-law of the famous Emily Post, in Emily Post's Etiquette, 17th Edition. "Staring, however, can seem threatening, even strange. The desirable middle ground is reached by shifting your focus to other parts of the face from time to time."
Robin Thompson, owner of Etiquette Network and the Robin Thompson Charm School, agrees. "You don't want to stare at a person you are about to greet," she says, "but eye contact is important."
Eye contact is a form of non-verbal communication. It reveals how you feel about the people you are talking to. Thompson says, "Try this for yourself: notice how many people maintain eye contact with you during a conversation and then notice how many people don't. Eye contact is part of the feedback you give the speaker that says 'Yes, I am listening; I am interested; I am paying attention.' If you are looking up at the ceiling or you are looking around, the message is 'What else is going on?' and shows that you are not paying attention or are bored."
Eye contact also reveals how you feel about yourself. Thompson says, "Eye contact, nodding your head, and saying 'Yes, I see' or 'I understand' shows confidence. Staring at the floor shows insecurity or shyness. I tell young people--chin up and look the person in the face because that shows security in yourself."
Science is now verifying what the etiquette experts have always known: eye contact has a strong effect on communication. A computer scientist at Canada's Queen's University did research on the effect of eye contact on people's participation in a group conversation. He found that the more eye contact that people receive from the other group members, the more they will speak up within the group. A news release posted on sciencedaily.com says that "[t]he findings have important implications for the design of future communication devices, including more user-friendly and sensitive video conferencing systems." Even our machines will soon know the value of eye contact!
The etiquette of eye contact does vary in different cultures, though. In some cultures, looking into another person's eyes may be considered rude or overly forward. Judith Martin, in Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, answers a letter from a young woman who had grown up in the Far East, recently moved to the United States, and was confused about the etiquette of eye contact in the U.S., which is quite different from what she had learned in her childhood home, where, she writes, "staring into the pupils of another is the height of impropriety (or come-and-get-it-ness)."
Miss Manners replies that it is important to learn the etiquette of "body language" behaviors such as eye contact, proper standing distance, etc., when going from one culture to another. She says that "people often fail to realize that such behavior as eye contact is learned," and they erroneously "pounce on it as being psychologically revealing." Rather than give a wrong negative impression to people who are "ignorant of foreign customs," the young woman should learn to "look people in the eye when conversing with them." Miss Manners adds that should that be too difficult, "an alternative is to look away but maintain a smile, in which case your behavior will be misinterpreted as charming demureness."
