Tandem nursing: some women feel pressured to wean a toddler when a new baby enters the picture. However, it is possible to stay sane while nursing both a toddler and a baby.
Oftentimes, a mother that establishes a good nursing relationship and instinctively believes in child-led weaning nurses well into the toddler years. She sees nursing as a loving, healthy, and respectful way to nurture her growing toddler and maintain a close and special relationship. Although considered normal in many cultures worldwide, nursing past a child's one-year birthday is seldom viewed as desirable or achievable in our culture.
Even a strong nursing relationship is subject to change with the birth of a new baby. Now, the strong twosome must change and adjust to become a threesome, assuming mother and toddler want to continue with the nursing relationship. Breastfeeding two children of different ages, usually a baby and a toddler, is commonly referred to as tandem nursing. It is possible to stay sane while tandem nursing a baby and toddler by setting simple ground rules, respecting the needs of all parties involved, and allowing for flexibility in the nursing relationship. Mother, toddler, and baby will all benefit from continuing the nursing relationship until weaning is achieved.
First, it should be clear from the previous paragraph that a mother need not automatically assume that nursing a toddler is over just because of the birth of a new baby. Cultural pressure may persuade some mothers to wean a toddler with the birth of a new baby. This may be work in some circumstances, but is not necessary if the toddler is still thriving and enjoying nursing.
The mother does, however, need to prepare the toddler for the upcoming changes in the nursing relationship. Age dependent, mother should prepare the toddler for baby's birth. As her belly grows, the toddler can accompany her to doctor or midwife visits, see pictures of fetuses at appropriate levels of development, and otherwise share in the pregnancy. Before, during, and after nursing, the mother should discuss the fact that the new baby will also be nursing, probably more frequently than the toddler, and sometimes take priority over the toddler in nursing. Address any questions and concerns and reassure the toddler that the love and time spent with the new baby will not change love for her.
The first couple of weeks after the birth of the baby set the tone for the new threesome. Mother and toddler need to establish guidelines that work to create a mutually satisfying tandem nursing relationship. Simple rules create an environment where baby's needs are met, toddler feels welcome, and mother's sanity remains intact. Rules can address such things as times the toddler may nurse, length she may nurse, priority of nursing, positions during nursing, and respecting mom's needs too. The toddler will be learning during this time that she is still welcome in the nursing relationship, but not at the expense of the baby or mom's needs. It is a new dynamic and will take time to work through issues of jealousy and competition.
It is helpful for mother to know that the toddler may increase her nursings after the birth of the baby, just to reassure herself of her position and love. This is normal. Once an appropriate amount of time has expired (different for each child), the toddler will resume nursing when she needs it, not every time that the baby nurses. With a toddler, other activities often have more appeal than nursing. If the toddler asks to nurse, question whether she is hungry or thirsty. A snack or drink may be sufficient for that moment. Maybe the toddler needs a moment of mother's attention and would be happy to read with mom while baby nurses. If she still persists, it is obvious that nursing is her immediate need and should be treated with the same respect as an infant's need.
Setting simple guidelines, respecting everyone's needs, and staying flexible are the keys to maintaining sanity while tandem nursing a toddler and a baby. While the adjustment period may be akward and frustrating, the health benefits and the beautiful nurturing relationship that will blossom are well worth the effort.
